First, because text has no obvious tone, I'll set one. I write this not from a place of frothing rage, but rather from one of passionate anger concerning a behavior which is wrong. That it's one I encounter again and again indicates that it needs public airing, and I'm no longer willing to tiptoe around it while soothing fragile egos.

Second, while this is inspired by a recent happening, it is not a response to same. This is not a forum for drama, but rather a discussion of an issue endemic to many of my own relationships and those of others, as well as an attempt to make sense out of certain things I've witnessed over the years. I will delete and disregard any communication attempting to make this personal.

As background for any who don't know, I'm totally blind. I'll omit the discussion of specifics because they are, for all intents and purposes, irrelevant. Yes, it's a major factor in my life. Yes, it shapes my wants and needs. Other than that, though, it matters less to me than most might think, and does so more because it shapes my interactions with others. If you still struggle with this concept, substitute race, gender or religion in place of disability. Is every woman, every black person, every Christian obligated to make these aspects central to their lives just because we decide that they must be? Must we really force our own assessments of importance onto others?

What I want to write about today, though, is discrimination, of which I now believe there to be two broad types. The first is incredibly obvious. I'm blind, therefore I can't do X or am automatically better at Y (where X is usually crossing streets or tying my shoelaces and Y is usually massage therapy or playing the guitar.) We're all familiar with this. Asians are smarter, black people are better basketball players, we can be here all day repeating tired stereotypes about any minority. I think we can all agree that these beliefs are condescending and inaccurate at best or humiliating and unempowering at worst. I think, though, that there is a second and more insidious type of discrimination, one that I feel is endemic in relationships of many kinds involving folks with disabilities. It may exist in more abstract forms affecting other groups, but disability is where I'm most familiar with it.

I as a blind person need more support, regardless of how independent I may be. This support can come in many forms, from good and reliable public transit to someone who unhealthily attends to my every need. I strive for the former more empowering support, but sometimes it's just not up to snuff and I turn to friends and family for help. This is not unnatural, as it is human (one may even argue primate) to seek supportive community, and new age woowoo self-help talk aside, we all need others regardless of ability.

Naturally, this has the potential for abuse, as it's easy to use a support network as a crutch. This is a fact of which I am quite conscious. As such, I make it incredibly clear to anyone in my life that they can say no if I ask for support. There's no guilt in saying no or in establishing boundaries. Rather, I whole-heartedly encourage that we all get better at it. If I don't get the support I need, I reserve the right to stress about it. I reserve the right to vent my frustrations. The need does not go away because someone says no, and I refuse to pretend that it doesn't exist. But meeting it or not doing so then becomes my issue. I do not reserve the right to make anyone feel guilty or anything else negative for setting a boundary.

And yet, people listen to this speech from me again and again and still feel guilty for not being supportive. People still refuse to listen to my honest words and believe them. People repaint history portraying me as some grand manipulator who wove them into a trap and, ultimately, they either strike out at me or arrive at unwarranted and inaccurate conclusions.

And, let's be absolutely honest and not mince words. It's easy to see me as the poor, pitiful blind person when someone can't give the support I request. It's also easy to imagine or see any number of racist or sexist stereotypes, often without looking for very long. There's a huge amount of societal conditioning steering us away from the latter, yet we ignorantly accept the former without a thought.

In short, this discrimination denies my ability to honestly relate. Instead, it relegates me to a sort of infantile status, selfishly taking with no regard to others. It is deeply and powerfully offensive.

I'm tired of this being acceptable. If someone genuinely feels guilty for telling me no, that's their issue and not mine. If someone persists in the inability to own up to that issue, and ultimately attacks me or perpetuates it, then I place them in the same category as someone perpetuating racial, LGBT or other stereotypes. Just because it's easy to imagine is no excuse. Similarly, because someone may have experienced it from others is likewise not an excuse, just as a member of a racial minority's upholding of a stereotype inherent to that group does not make it acceptable to generalize that behavior. It's time to publicly declare that the problem isn't me. The problem is a twisted survivor guilt combined with an inability to set boundaries and an astounding lack of honesty, both within and without. Strong words, yes, but this form of discrimination is as real as any other. It's worst aspect is that it hides well, masquerading as justification for purging a bad influence or as good cause for ending a bad relationship. The relationship may be bad, yes, but not because of the reasons given.

Honest communication and setting healthy boundaries are key to good relationships of any type. This discrimination is insidious in that it involves painting someone as a gross violator of such healthy behaviors when, in fact, the fault lies with the painter rather than the paintee. It's hard being a person with a disability trying to pursue healthy relationships when the ones responsible for such discrimination would rather not admit to themselves that they've found an instance where they are incapable of maintaining healthy relationship dynamics. It's also hard to admit to discriminating when one considers one's self open-minded. It's much easier to play the victim, use the very language of healthy relationships and tell tales of woe, if only to themselves, or easy to claim that this is all transferrence on my part. This latter fiction is something I've told myself for years, and I'm done with that as well.

So is it like this everywhere? Maybe. In my experience, disabled people tend to congregate to churches. I'm certain that, in most instances, this reflects the individual's true beliefs, and I commend anyone for following their path as long as it doesn't negatively interfere with that of others. Yet, when I think about this form of discrimination, I wonder if this environment lessens it somewhat. If those around you put aside earthly pursuits to promote a higher good, they'd seem more inclined to give support in lieu of establishing boundaries. It makes sense to me that someone adopting this mindset isn't likely to burn out and lash out because they gave too much of themselves, but would instead consider that a virtue.

I also see many people with disabilities gravitating toward each other. Whereas the church environment may address this form of discrimination by turning it to a virtue, those of us with disabilities might be familiar enough with it that it's just not as much of an issue. If I know the problem is there, whether consciously or more fundamentally, I'm not likely to get annoyed at someone else should their struggles seem like an inconvenience to me. I'd also not feel as guilty for saying no, as I'd truly empathize with both sides of the issue.

Am I criticizing anyone for choosing either of the above paths? Absolutely not. Live the life that makes you happy and satisfies your beliefs, not the one that others say you should, but live it honestly. Know others, and know yourself. Set and maintain healthy boundaries, holding honest dialogue about them. Most importantly, look within and question everything. Turn over every stone and ask yourself what lies beneath and why.

The worst aspect of this is that there's no real way to succeed in some instances. Either I deny my path and my beliefs, pursuing a contrived life just to lessen it, or I'm faced with the choice between long-lasting friendships or finding the support I need. And, unlike many issues, honesty and openness isn't the solution, as this discrimination's very basis is an inability to believe in my sincerity and, ultimately, others' declaration that I'm false. The only “solution,” as it were, is to simply never ask for help. We should be stable and support ourselves, sure, but anyone who considers this a valid response should honestly ask themselves where they'd be without a healthy support network. The resulting picture would likely be a desolate one.

I want to show compassion for those who perpetuate this form of discrimination. It can be difficult to realize and acknowledge that it is being done, especially for those who consider themselves open-minded. There's no shame in making amends for a wrong done, only in continuing to do it. I want to show compassion, yet I also want to establish a boundary of my own.

I refuse to accept that I manipulate others by being honest. I refuse to accept any negative feelings for the guilt or other emotions that result from said honesty. I also refuse to show any sympathy to those who continue to insist that they are being manipulated or otherwise mistreated while being dishonest with others and themselves. Whatever negative emotions these words may have inspired, my acceptance of any blame as a result has been much worse by far. Today I let go of that, and hope that anyone perpetuating these beliefs will likewise let go of their own burdens. It's time to vocally acknowledge that this exists, and to end the notion that it is either OK or subtly my fault.